Suicide Note
by Cinnamon Sweets
Summary: ...A storm is brewing. Itachi paused. "That sounded quite deep." Kakuzu nodded. "It was a very Itachi-like thing to say." "I might write that down." Itachi blinked, thinking for a second. "I'm sure I could say it sometime in the near future." Yaoi-bashing


**A/N**: So, there I was, sitting in my bed and staring, rather vacantly, at the wall opposite me. You'll never guess how difficult it is to be inspired, when all you're gazing at is a plain, pale-blue wall. I was just sitting there, looking vacantly onwards, and feeling useless. (After all, what's the point of having a fanfiction account if I'm far too lazy to review, and haven't wrote a story?) After a moment more of this, I stood up, stretched, and decided to listen in on my sister's conversation with, rather oddly, our cat.

"...Guess what she said! She told me I should shut up, stop thinking, and get a life! I told her that yaoi-authors have better lives than her, so maybe she should..."

Fake American accents get annoying after a while but, even so, here was my inspiration! A God-send, in the form of a little, nine-year-old girl, with a screeching, high-pitched voice- I would have sent a quick prayer of thanks to whoever's up there, but I didn't know who to send it to. After a second more of thinking, I decided to pray to Elvis, since he rocks.

* * *

**STANDARD DISCLAIMER APPLIED**

* * *

**In The Beginning...**

---

It was a normal day in the Akatsuki headquarters; Hidan and Deidara were taking it in turns to dunk Tobi's head down the toilet, cackling furiously each time they pulled the chain or whenever they heard their victim splutter a quiet "Tobi is a good boy!" They'd already mastered the art of head-dunking; they had to time it precisely, otherwise the water would soak them as well as Tobi, and they'd end up wetter than the poor 'good boy'. Every now and then, another member would walk in and watch, mildly interested; Kisame walked in once, waiting for Tobi to go into Madara-mode, and whoop their asses. After deciding it wouldn't happen, he'd walked out and resumed what he'd been doing before.

Further in the base, hidden in a maze of dirty corridors and cracked, old doors, Itachi sat in his room. At first, you wouldn't even realise he was in there; the room was pitch-black and all of the curtains were drawn. A coffin lay to one side and that was where you'd find the Uchiha prodigy- gazing with an indifferent attitude at the inside of the coffin; how he longed to lie in there, curled up in a ball, rich, red velvet caressing his body-. The door opened and the room was bathed in a pool of light; the Uchiha blinked, temporarily blinded, and gazed back at Kisame.

"..."

"..."

With that greeting (of sorts), Itachi turned back to staring at the coffin, if Itachi were capable of feeling emotions he would be feeling wistful, and Kisame would leave once again. He'd wander down the corridors and push open another door- a door painted a dark, elegant purple. And then he'd wish he'd never opened that door.

Behind that door, sat Konan and Sasori, rather oddly. Normally, it seemed as though the pair rarely spoke to one another; Konan was, after all, quite a minor character compared to Sasori, and barely said anything. (Sasori barely said anything either, but it was different for him. He had _fan-girls_.) And yet, every time Sasori wasn't on a mission, or Konan wasn't with Pein, the pair would meet up and... talk, I suppose. No one knew what they talked about; however, Kisame now knew something else.

Konan could very well be cheating on Pein.

Well, not really. He'd merely walked in on a rather _suggestive _scene and had backed away, feeling violated. (In reality, Konan had been leaning over the puppet and resting her body on his chest, because she needed to reach the nail-varnish behind him. That. Was. All.) He'd scurried away, almost bumping into a certain stitched-nin. Kakuzu had raised one eyebrow, before thinking wistfully of what he'd been doing before.

Like normal, Kakuzu was on his way to his room, so that he could count money. After that, he'd... Well, he was at a loss. He'd probably watch Hidan, Deidara and Tobi, before counting money again. Then he'd rant about money, kiss some money, and then bathe in money. He smiled blissfully, his eyes glazed over with a creepy-sort of joy, before continuing his walk down the corridor.

Meanwhile, across the base, there was an amazing rainforest. The trees were huge and leafy, and offered shade from a fiery golden sun (it was, actually, just a rather large light). Vines draped themselves across those that dared enter the maze, and extravagant, colourful flowers bloomed from every corner. It really was an extraordinary place and its owner was just as amazing. A lone figure stood in the middle of all this foliage, twirling a watering can in his hand; from a distance, it looked as though he was standing in front of a really, really big Venus fly-trap. Then, you'd realise, shocked, that the really, really big plant was actually attached to him.

If you dared move closer, you'd see his messy grass-green hair, and his sharp, white teeth. From a distance, you could see his body, split down the middle; one side of his body was pitch-black, while the other a shining white. If you were close enough, you'd be able to hear him singing softly to himself.

"...Raindrops on roses **and a massacre of kittens...**" He smirked slightly, sprinkling water over a patch of dead-looking grass. Almost immediately, the grass sprung to life and performed an amazing cancan routine. "...Bright copper kettles **and blood-stained mittens... **Brown paper packages **tied up with an intestine... **On your favourite things,** I will dine!**" He cackled, throwing his watering can high up in the air, and then disappeared into the ground.

Far across the base, Pein shivered, glancing up from his paperwork. He was sure that somewhere one of his slaves-_ members_- was singing. It was rather unnerving, really. He sighed, rolling up an indignant letter from the local village, demanding they pay their rent (after all, Kakuzu wouldn't let them buy their own secret base); he threw the ball across the room and cheered childishly as it flew into the bin. He proceeded to repeat this procedure with every piece of paper he came across, whooping happily each time it flew inside the bin, and then moaning whenever he missed.

After he'd picked up his final piece of paper, he noticed something that he was sure hadn't been there fact, he was extremely sure he'd never seen it in his life, and he picked it up curiously. It was a pale pink diary, studded with knock-off, plastic jewels. His eyes were blinded by the shimmering golden handwriting on the front; after a second, he managed to decipher the mess.

_'Akatsooki Yaoi.'_

Pein chuckled. "I pity these 'Akatsooki blokes." He grinned, tapping the cover of the book thoughtfully; a shower of dust rained off it, lying neatly on his lap. He gasped, suddenly appaled. He'd read it wrong! "...'Akatsuki Yaoi'. Oh, crap."

He frowned, his many piercings glinting in the light, before reaching underneath his desk. He pulled out a megaphone, studying it once, before raising it to his lips. Using his best mysterious voice, he murmured into it, "Meeting. Now."

Speakers positioned in every room, and every corridor, boomed out the message. The Akatsuki members all froze, gazing up at the little black boxes hatefully, before rising. They met each other in the corridor, walking dramatically along the corridor, cloaks flapping out behind them, in some terrible parody of 'The Matrix'. Hidan coughed.

"So, uh... Why the fuck are we doing this again?"

---

Pein frowned, glowering at the shinobi assembled before him; they gazed back at him, peering from his face to the girlish book he held in his hands. He paced, suddenly ignoring them and choosing to gaze at the book as though it were cursed. It was as though, if he were to touch it for too long, a deadly disease would flow out of the book and he'd fall ill. With a dramatic whirl, he turned to face the others.

"Fellow Akatsuki members," He greeted, before pausing. "And Tobi. I have gathered you here to tell you about a great misfortune that has befallen us. How it has happened, I do not know. How we shall do with it, I do not-."

"Pein." Konan snapped, folding her arms and tutting briskly, in a way that only women have perfected. "Get on with it."

"Right, yes." Pein stuttered for a second, completely forgetting what he was saying. One look at the book, and he remembered. "We've got a terrible case of Canon butchery on our hands. And, you know what we have to do now."

There was a tense silence. Kakuzu paled visibly, batting absently at Hidan who was clutching onto his chest in terror; Deidara squealed once, and flew underneath his chair, shielding his eyes. Zetsu began to disappear rapidly into the ground- Konan scowled at him, and he was sitting in his chair again, glaring at his feet. Tears trickled from the eye-hole in Tobi's (rather damp) mask, and Sasori began hacking madly, in an odd coughing fit. The colour washed away from Kisame's face and his spiky hair seemed to wilt; only Itachi remained completely stoic.

No one would have guessed that they were S-rank criminals.

"D-Do we have to, yeah?" Deidara murmured fearfully, shaking violently.

Pein nodded. "You all signed up to whatever torture I'm going to put you through, and, besides, we have to search this book for valuable information." He smirked slightly, sadistically. "They can't pair me off with anyone; I have Konan."

"It's all right for some!" Kisame wailed miserably, clawing at his face. "I'm always with Itachi and-." He sucked in a deep breath. "_Itachi's-always-seme, even-though-I'm-bigger-and-stronger!_" Itachi glanced at him, faintly disturbed.

"And I'm always raping this annoying bastard." Kakuzu punched Hidan in the face, in a half-hearted attempt to get rid of the immortal nin, who was screaming, "_Please, Jashin, no! PLEASE!" _(The author cackled and answered his prayer, "Even Jashin can't save you now, so take it like a man, bitch!")

"Tough." Pein smirked again, waving the diary-thing in the air. "Besides, I've had my fair share of torture, too. I've been paired off with M- Tobi, raped both Hidan and Deidara, and I'm pretty sure they haven't finished with me yet." His face fell. "Damn it."

Hidan glanced at the Leader, murmured a quick "horny bastard", and then went back to wailing. The rest of the Akatsuki (minus Konan, who was looking rather pleased and Itachi, who looked as stoic as ever) began to complain loudly to each other; Pein whistled once, effectively shutting them all up. "To spare you idiots the torture, I'll read the first chapter." He announced.

There was silence, before Sasori clapped once. "You're either extremely brave or extremely stupid." He paused, pondering this and scratching his unruly red hair. "I'm not sure which yet."

"Are you insulting me?!" Pein snapped, glowering at him.

"No, I'm insulting your intelligence. Completely different." Sasori answered, evenly, gazing at Pein with disinterest.

"Oh... Good."

---

_Akatsuki Yaoi_

_By Snuggles-Senpai_

_Chapter One: At World's End_

"Oh Jashin." Hidan murmured. "They've even got a fucking epically bad title."

Pein shushed him, his eyes skimming ahead. He smirked slightly, gazing at the currently cowering Deidara out of the corner of his eye; he winked, once, and Deidara knew what was coming. The blonde hung his head. He might as well commit suicide.

_"Oh, Danna..." A blonde, of average height, whispered the words sadly into the wind, brushing a stray tear from his sapphire-blue eyes. "How could you have died? You let that stupid woman kill you, yeah! ...Oh Danna, I miss you, yeah..."_

Sasori grinned. "Well, I'm already dead. I won't suffer too much, then." He sent a rare, pitying look in Deidara's direction. "Poor you, brat."

"Shut up, y-yeah!"

_"Are you still whining, dip-shit? You fucking baby."_

Hidan paled, slowly but surely. "Oh, crapola..."

_Deidara whirled around, glaring at the newcomer. He was much taller than Deidara, towering over the blonde and smirking down at him, flashing such sparkly, pointed teeth. His violet eyes twinkled in sick amusement; he ran a single hand through his shining, white-blonde hair. "He fucking died. So do most people; get over it, shit-hole."_

"Still as sympathetic as ever, Hidan." Konan snickered, covering her mouth with one hand, "Though, it's quite refreshing that you're being so practical. You've gotten over Sasori much quicker than Deidara."

Deidara protested weakly, turning a faint shade of green.

_"You asshole, yeah! How would you feel if Kakuzu-sempai died?!"The blonde roared, jabbing Hidan in the chest. The immortal man blinked, his mouth widening in an 'o', his eyes huge and unbelieving._

"I refuse to apologise, I refuse to apologise,I refuse to fucking apologise!" The real Hidan chanted to himself.

_"I didn't think of it like that. I guess I owe you an-" _"NOO!" _"-apology, fucker." Hidan smirked slightly, before reaching forwards and ruffling Deidara's hair. "I'm sure you'll get over the puppet-prick, anyway. There's always that annoying bastard, Tobi, right?" _

Tobi blinked once, twice, _three _times, before looking at Deidara. The blonde shuddered, his face a pasty grey colour, and Tobi smirked from behind his mask. "Tobi likes senpai too! Tobi is a good boy!"

Deidara shivered.

_"That idiot? No way, yeah."_

Pein paused. "D'you know how confusing that is? 'No way, yeah?' That doesn't even make sense."

"Shut up, yeah!"

_They both laughed together, their voices echoing through the forest they were standing in- _"Wasn't that an important piece of information? Shouldn't the author have told us where we were, before they gave us angst?" Itachi muttered, in perfect monotone. _-before gazing at each other. It was as though they were joined together; Hidan removed his hand slowly from Deidara's head (almost too slowly) and smirked, before leaving._

_Deidara was left with a heart-breaking ache in his chest, squeezing at his heart and lungs, making it hard to breath._

_He collapsed._

There was silence, before Kisame sniggered.

"Deidara, you pussy."

_When the blonde woke up, he was strapped to a bed. With a jolt, he realised his clothes were gone and he couldn't move at all-. _

"STOP!" Deidara roared, suddenly looking flustered. "If I'm about to get raped, yeah, I'd like to spare myself some dignity and _skip this part!_"

Pein glanced at the blonde, before skimming ahead. He winced once or twice, before shaking his head. "It doesn't happen yet. I'm continuing."

_-Deidara hissed, his heart beat getting faster, thumping in his throat. He glanced around the room; there was no exit that he could see. (The door was obviously positioned in the shadows, where Deidara couldn't see.) The room was pitch-black, and Deidara was completely naked, alone, lost, frightened..._

Kisame burst out into hysterics, thumping his fist on the floor. "I rest my case! You really are a pussy, Deidara!"

_"So, you're awake, hisss?"_

"Three guesses for who this is, and the first two don't count." Kakuzu muttered, attempting, for the final time, to move Hidan off his arm. He had no luck.

_"W-Who are you, yeah?" Deidara stuttered, searching wildly for the owner of the voice. Suddenly, a blinding light flashed on overhead, and Deidara closed his eyes. When he opened them, he still couldn't see anything. He was blind-folded. "Wh-What are y-you doing, yeah?"_

"Sh-Shut the f-fuck up, y-yeah!" Hidan said, in quite a good immitation of Deidara. The blonde shot him a filthy glare.

_"Me? You know who am I, hisss..." There was a dramatic pause, and suddenly Deidara felt a jolt of pain as something was thrust inside of him-. _"NOOO, yeah!" The real-Deidara covered his ears, refusing to listen to the next part, as Pein carried on oblivious. He caught a few words, such as; _'little whore! Feel the pain!' _and _'you dirty bitch! You're enjoying thissss!'_ After a few seconds, Konan tapped his shoulder.

"It's over."

Deidara nodded, letting out a sigh of relief. The other Akatsuki members promptly looked at him, before grinning nastily.

"I never knew you could bend that far, Deidara." Itachi murmured, softly.

"Yeah, you have so much fucking stamina!"

"Literally." Sasori added, and Hidan sniggered.

Deidara let out a wail and whacked his head on the floor repeatedly, his mind numb with pain, as he drowned out the voices of the other members. Suddenly, he was aware of Pein reading again.

_The blind-fold was gone, now, and Deidara's pure, pale body was now splattered with muck, blood and other substances; his hair was grimy and a thin trickle of something bitter dribbled from his mouth- _Hidan snickered. "Ew, blondie. Just fucking ew." _-sweat, maybe? Who knew? He realised, quite suddenly, that the straps were gone; he could sit up now. He stood, wobbled, and then crashed to the floor._

Kisame opened his mouth to speak but was silenced by a shoe... Deidara's shoe, to be precise.

_There was that same hateful laugh._

_"That wasss really sssomething, right, bitch?" Orochimaru whispered, crossing the room in only a few strides. Deidara whimpered, his back aching, his ass aching, and attempted to move away from the ex-Sannin. _

_"St-Stay away from m-me, yeah." He murmured, his voice cracked and hoarse. "I want to go b-back..."_

"Like hell would I let you back in, if you were captured and raped so easily." Pein announced, glaring pointedly at Deidara.

The blonde's eye twitched, and he scowled. "I am never going to be raped, yeah."

"Just in case."

_Orochimaru smirked, his long, repulsive tongue flicking out of his mouth at Deidara, almost playfully. The blonde winced, shrinking back against the wall, and looking away. "W-Why did you k-kidnap me, y-y-yeah?"_

_"Because..." The ex-Sannin suddenly pressed his body against Deidara, making the blonde yelp in pain. "Because, why should Sasssori ever have had anything I couldn't, hisss? Why should that immortal man be alowed to kissss you? Why should Itachi ssspeak to you? Why should the Akatsssuki own you? You are MINE now, hisss!"_

There was an awkward silence, before Sasori cleared his throat. "So... Is this one of those 'everyone rape Deidara' fics?"

_Orochimaru straightened, pausing, and then delivering a swift kick to Deidara's side-._"I have never liked snake-boy better than I have now, fucker." Hidan cheered, grinning at Deidara. _"You're MINE, bitch! And don't go thinking otherwise! Hisss!" Another kick. "Mine." Kick. "Mine." Kick. "MINE!"_

_With that, Orochimaru left the younger man alone and bleeding, bruised and battered._

Deidara scratched his arm, frowning slightly. "I feel violated, yeah."

Kakuzu nodded. "You should be. You were raped, after all."

"But it wasn't even me, yeah! This guy isn't me, really... Just remember that, yeah..." Deidara assured himself, rocking backwards and forwards.

_The blonde hissed, a single tear trickling down his cheek._

_"Danna... I wish you were here to save me, yeah."_

"I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot spear, if you were in that state." Sasori said, haughtily. "Obviously, I can't save you, Deidara." He shook his head sympathetically at the blonde. "Maybe if you let Hidan rape you, he'll save you. Though, personally, I'm placing my bets on Itachi."

Itachi blinked.

_Somewhere in Konoha, Uchiha Itachi looked up. His partner, a tall, ugly blue-shark-man named Kisame, frowned. "What's up, 'Tachi?" He asked, stupidly._

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Kisame roared, looking as though he was going to kill anything that moved. Deidara winced, Konan sniggered, and Pein let out a low chuckle. "That, Kisame, is character-bashing. The author obviously hates you."

_"...A storm is brewing."_

Itachi paused. "That sounded quite deep."

Kakuzu nodded. "It was a very Itachi-like thing to say."

"I might write that down." Itachi nodded slowly, considering this. "I'm sure I could say it sometime in the near future."

_A/N: Aw, poor Deidara! Don't cha just feel sorry for him? _Hidan coughed. "No." _And, who's Deidara's true lover? Hidan? Itachi? Or...... SASORI?! _Sasori blinked. "I'm dead, though." _Is Sasori really dead? _The red-head paused. "Shit." _Who knows?! You'll find out if you review! XD_

Pein chuckled, before closing the book. "Bed-time, kiddies. Itachi will continue tomorrow."

---

That night, the Akatsuki members had trouble sleeping. Deidara dreamt of dark rooms and hissing pedophiles; then he was running down a dark corridor, chased by a dead Sasori, a decapitated Hidan and a stoic Itachi. It was a terrible nightmare, and the blonde woke up more than twice, turning over and gazing at Sasori's sleeping figure. Little did he know that the red-head was having equally horrifying dreams, in which a naked blonde chased Sasori down a dark tunnel.

Hidan and Kakuzu dreamt twin nightmares, involving tentacle sex, a certain blonde, and a hissing commentator. The pair of them woke at the same time, sweating. They stared at each other, before turning onto their sides and shivering, terrified. Sweet Jashin... What was going on?

Tobi, who has been mentioned only a few times during this fic, slept happily alongside Zetsu, who also said nothing, but knew he'd be brought up soon. Kisame had an odd dream, which he'd rather not repeat. It was definitely rated M, that was for sure.

Pein and Konan slept alongside each other, cuddling one another for warmth, and to keep the nightmares away. They were scarred, it seemed, from reading Deidara-rape. They knew full well none of the Akatsuki would see a powerful (if somewhat womanly) bomber in the blonde; instead, they'd see a moaning, battered man, scared and alone. A pathetic wreck.

And, Itachi? He couldn't sleep; new nightmares haunted his dreams now. Deidara running towards him, saying how much he loved him. He lay awake in his coffin, with the lid open, waiting for morning to come, stoic as ever.

But he knew, deep down inside, that he never wanted morning to start.

* * *

**A/N: **I hope you enjoyed that; my first attempt! I hope you didn't mind the few rape-based bits; if you want me to change it into an M-rated, I will. But it can't get any worse than that, okay; I'm also sorry if I somehow offended any yaoi fans. I'll post up the second chapter after I get few reviews; until then, be happy, go outside and see the sunshine, and smile! Or, you know, if you're in an emo mood, you could just mope and angst. Whatever makes you feel good!

_**C**_i_n_n**a**_m_o**n **-X-


End file.
